Remember me????

Yep, we are back. New computer, new internet connection, I have missed you all SOOO much. I think about you guys EVERY time i look at my sweet precious miracle Eden. So, here i am, back again, hope you remember me! Prepare to be bombarded with my life again. Love you all, so glad to be back!!!!! I have about 4 billion blogs to read and write now:)

So blessed

To have all of you!!!

Yes, I have been so neglectful of my poor blog! Reading them, writing them, terrible all round! THE BIG NEWS…. Bean is home, has been home for 11 days to be exact. It was 26 days… 26 days I could not have made without all your thoughts, and prayers, and messages. I could never begin to thank you all enough xoxoxo

I am just so…. utterly, completely,obsessed :)

Cant put her down! I update more regularly on  my facebook page  ( if you have one, you can add me if you want!) but just have not blogged. Slack I know. I kept notes while bean was in hospital, and have been wanting to blog it, but have just been too distracted.

Wouldn't you be distracted by that  face?

Or that one?

*sigh* Bliss.   * Tutu from Kimber :)

So, forgive me for not blogging.

I have a very special reason:)

this made me cry… again..

 

as if 1 depressing post   wasnt enough…..

 

 

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen~*~
(Erma Bombeck)
Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?
Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his
instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he
observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.
Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia.
Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to
profanity."
Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles.
"Give her a preemie." The angel is curious. "Why this one, God?
She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God.
"Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That
would be cruel."
"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea
of self-pity and despair.
Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it.
I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so
rare and so necessary in a mother.
You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own.
She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."
"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has
just the right amount of selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally,
she will never survive.
Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect.
She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.
She will never take for granted a spoken word.
She will never consider a step ordinary.
When her child says momma for the first time,
she will be witness to a miracle and know it.
I will permit her to see clearly the things I see--
ignorance, cruelty, prejudice--
and allow her to rise above them.
She will never be alone.
I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life
because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."
"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in
the air.
God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

I aint no MckMama, or the post in which i sigh. A lot…

Obviously, I aint no MckMama. You can tell this by my non-blogging.

I would like to be keeping a record of this time (or, maybe secretly I wouldn't) but am just ….ugh…. who knows.

*Sigh*

Some days I come home so happy, over something as little as *she had her 1st bottle* at 6:30am 2 days ago or something HUGE like

*we have breastfed for 3 days in a row, only for 10 minutes, but still so thrilling I cried*

or

she put on 60grams last night!!

But then she will vomit (bad apparently, and she always vomits up her vitamins) or my milk will dry up (seems to be ok now, but  stressful,which is bad,which makes me stress more)….

*sigh*

I am just all over the place. If I'm at the hospital, i feel guilty leaving the other kids, if I'm home i feel like I'm abandoning the bean.

*Sigh*

It has been 12 days. Yesterday, an open cot was mentioned….if…she gets her feeding sorted.

*sigh*

I heard the ‘staff assist’ buzzer today, and mourned my last few months of pregnancy.

*sigh*

I just want her home so badly

*sigh*

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Bean

My dearest baby bean,

We have waited for you for so long. So many people have thought of you, and prayed for you. Now you are here, I feel beyond blessed. Today, you are 1 week old. Happy 1 week birthday my angel.

I never thought I would know the meaning of things like

Nasal gastric tube

bolous feeds

what your bpm and sr should be

what your ‘stats’ should be

what your bilirubin level is

your ‘gestational age’ in reference with your ‘lb age’

this is killing me. seriously. I am beyond tired, weepy and crying all day. Seeing you is so wonderful, I never thought I could just sit, and watch someone , for hours. Never thought taking your temperature, changing your  foot probe, changing nappies  and feeding you with a syringe down your NGT would make me so happy. Never thought I would be so very excited that you were weighed.

(she is now 3.9 pounds, down from 4.4 pounds. They have upped her feeds and today she started pentavite along with the caffeine she gets daily at 12pm)

But this is killing me. Leaving you, I always cry on the way home. I know I am not getting enough sleep, but there is no way around it. And tonight, with your Daddy back at work, I feel as though I am abandoning you.

Today, I held you for almost 45 minutes. You opened your eyes, those big blue eyes. You are so adorable, and placid, I cold hold you all day.

We should be reaching milestones now, your first smile, your first longer than 20 minute sleep. Instead your milestones are measured by increases in your feeds, the turning off of the blue lights, and weather or not your alarms are going off.

This is killing me. My milk now ‘lets down’ at the exact time of your feeds, even at home. The breastpump is a cold substitute.

You are 35 weeks on Saturday. Maybe, just maybe, I will be allowed to try and feed you. Last night, you tried to eat your hand as it brushed past your mouth. I was thrilled!

Bean, I want you to grow,eat,get fat. I want to bath you and dress you and photograph you. But mostly I want to hold you. To sing to you, to dance with you, to sleep with you beside me. Hurry up, beanie. I miss you.

love , Mummy.

Im in love with that little bean!

Day 5.

Today I am on a high. It hasn't been like this since she was born (I've been a mess) … Leaving her is the most awful feeling. But seeing her is perfection.

Eden is now on 28mls of milk every 2 1/2 hours. On day 2, she was on 3mls, so a huge achievement! She hasn't been weighed or bathed yet, she is still solely in the humidicrib, but i am getting  a little cuddle a day, and it is absolute bliss. Im hoping she will be in an open cot soon, and I can bath her and hold her…

Today I farmed the kids out and spent the whole day with her. I am home for dinner, then will go back up tonight. She has jaundice today, so will be under lights for 6 hours , but otherwise she is doing great!

I know she is doing so well because of all your love and prayers!

We can never thank you enough!!!

THE BEAN HAS ARRIVED

Eden Elizabeth was born Wednesday night, after a placental abruption and emergency c-section. She was 6 1/2 weeks early, and is in special care. I wanted to let you all know she is here, and safe, and perfect. I am home, and a wreck. I have lots of photos, but will be back to blog later. I have been home for 2 hours, and am now going back to the hospital to be with her. thankyou all so much for all your love and prayers during my pregnancy, i can never tell you how much it means to me and the bean.