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Sunday, February 28, 2010

So blessed

To have all of you!!!

Yes, I have been so neglectful of my poor blog! Reading them, writing them, terrible all round! THE BIG NEWS…. Bean is home, has been home for 11 days to be exact. It was 26 days… 26 days I could not have made without all your thoughts, and prayers, and messages. I could never begin to thank you all enough xoxoxo

I am just so…. utterly, completely,obsessed :)

Cant put her down! I update more regularly on  my facebook page  ( if you have one, you can add me if you want!) but just have not blogged. Slack I know. I kept notes while bean was in hospital, and have been wanting to blog it, but have just been too distracted.

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Wouldn't you be distracted by that  face?

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Or that one?

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*sigh* Bliss.   * Tutu from Kimber :)

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So, forgive me for not blogging.

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I have a very special reason:)

Monday, February 1, 2010

this made me cry… again..


as if 1 depressing post   wasnt enough…..



How Preemie Moms Are Chosen~*~
(Erma Bombeck)
Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?
Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his
instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he
observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.
Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia.
Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to
Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles.
"Give her a preemie." The angel is curious. "Why this one, God?
She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God.
"Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That
would be cruel."
"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea
of self-pity and despair.
Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it.
I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so
rare and so necessary in a mother.
You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own.
She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."
"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has
just the right amount of selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally,
she will never survive.
Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect.
She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.
She will never take for granted a spoken word.
She will never consider a step ordinary.
When her child says momma for the first time,
she will be witness to a miracle and know it.
I will permit her to see clearly the things I see--
ignorance, cruelty, prejudice--
and allow her to rise above them.
She will never be alone.
I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life
because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."
"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in
the air.
God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

I aint no MckMama, or the post in which i sigh. A lot…

Obviously, I aint no MckMama. You can tell this by my non-blogging.

I would like to be keeping a record of this time (or, maybe secretly I wouldn't) but am just ….ugh…. who knows.


Some days I come home so happy, over something as little as *she had her 1st bottle* at 6:30am 2 days ago or something HUGE like

*we have breastfed for 3 days in a row, only for 10 minutes, but still so thrilling I cried*


she put on 60grams last night!!

But then she will vomit (bad apparently, and she always vomits up her vitamins) or my milk will dry up (seems to be ok now, but  stressful,which is bad,which makes me stress more)….


I am just all over the place. If I'm at the hospital, i feel guilty leaving the other kids, if I'm home i feel like I'm abandoning the bean.


It has been 12 days. Yesterday, an open cot was mentioned….if…she gets her feeding sorted.


I heard the ‘staff assist’ buzzer today, and mourned my last few months of pregnancy.


I just want her home so badly



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my dailyview



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day 11 and 12 011