Monday 30 March

Random picture challenge ,courtesy of 4 little men and girly twins 27th folder or December 2007, 27th picture ... one of my fave pics of Luka, titled Luka Fatface... Still praying for Stellan...

Sunday 29th March,or the tracks of my tears

I have been away for a while, turning on the computer only to check Stellans updates. Last Friday,although i knew it was happening,i miscarried my son. I had been bleeding, but i guess i was just hoping in a tiny corner of my mind. about 15 weeks i knew him, and i wont forget him. But it all seems so unreal, and i feel like a traitor,going on with mundane things,like grocery shopping -and the sight of a baby boy nearly made me bawl- and showering, when my son is gone. and i feel so empty. i have dreamt of him every single night, sometimes the miscarriage over and over, sometimes he is alive and i feed him and cry,and wake up crying. On the surface, im holding it together,the kids have no idea.But in the moments when im alone, or late at night when i feed Luka and then cant sleep, i can feel him in my palm, such a tiny tiny baby boy, my son. And i just hold Luka, looking at his face, remembering,thinking. He is keeping me sane at the moment, he still makes me smile,pure love.

Praying for Stellan

Please pray for Stellan, Mckmama and her family....

Friday 20th March

too too tired for words, more on the weekend. Seeing my mate Sunday,woohoo margaritas all round methinks! Heres Rani,just hanging around

Wordless Wednesday the 18th March

Not Me Monday the 16th march

Not Me Monday courtesy of Mckmama.....

Well, i am not late for a start, by 2 days, i wouldnt do that!Im always on time with everything i do. I did not bribe Spud with $2 of car lollies to behave at the shops, my kids are always perfect. I did not let my almost 12 year old stay home,knowing she wasnt really sick, so she could help with the buddah boy cos i was at deaths door, that would just be irresponsible. I definately did not pay the same 12 year old $5 to pick up dog poo either. And i did not stand at the bedroom window,hiding behind the blinds, so i could scare said dog when he wouldnt stop barking! And this is certainly not a picture of a naked buddah boy,on the kitchen table, preparing to make the apples die an unfortunate death.OH NO!! oh and i did not neglect to give him a haircut cos i just couldnt bear it!

Saturday 14th March -Happy Birthday Dakota Chloe!!!

Dakota Chloe-then and now.
Then- she was a tiny 3kg bundle,in special care, and only slept after they brang her back to her muma where she belonged!Now, she a big 10 year old who is my best sleeper(always has been) Then, she was our 'little sister', now, she is a big sister to 3! Then, Dakota was so quiet, she was the only one that would have a feed,then actually have a big sleep.Now, she is the loudest one of the bunch!

Dakota today you are 10 years old. You have made me so proud,im sure the school will run out of merit certificates now you have arrived (try 3 a week!). You still (always) love to sing, which i love ( just not always the song choice) You are the one that wrote my note,the one i have framed on the bench and read on days when i feel crap ( it reads : Dear Mummy, i have loved you all my life ,love from Dakota) . My sweet 2nd born, i hope you have a great day, i love you xxx

Friday 13th March

aaaah Fridays. the day where i stay in my pjs until 2pm, cleaning day, home with my boys day. Luka has a sleep,while Jai plays cars,creating hills and roads out of pillows and blankets,getting an unfathomable amount of hotwheels out. I vaccuum, mop,scrub,wash. play,feed ( i now know EXACTLY how much chewed up,spat out carrot is in a carrot-thanks boys, they even spat it out in a sort of carrotty shape) wipe noses,change nappies ( i swear that boy has bowel issues), dress, redress, untangle dogs,cuddle,comfort, read stories,listen to long-winded car tales (that make me giggle-love you Jai) and sit through In The Night Garden and Playschool. Take pictures of the boys pressed up against the door waiting for their sisters, greet my daughters with popcorn and excited brothers,plan a birthday ( for tomorrow, Dakota is 10- meaning junk food,treats,pizza and a hamburger cake),bath, greet daddy,who is bearing a large bag of mince ( he works at an abbotoir-and we definately aint no vegetarians) feed all, feed my baby boy to sleep, take more pictures of that sweet baby face sleeping, write down a few new recipes to try and get on the computer to do this before i fall asleep...


So here is Luka, so sweetly asleep, under his gorgeous rockyourbaby blanket, what a perfect sight to finish the day...

Thursday 12th March

not many words today, another picture of LEGS though. Doesnt seem that long ago that these legs were tiny baby legs, all squishy and wrinkly and froggy. Now, they are so accomplished, carting Luka all over, climbing like a monkey-boy,kicking in a tantrum and clinging onto mummy when he doesnt want to be put down (mummy is usually happy to oblige-love those koala cuddles)

Wordless wednesday

I cant get enough of those baby boy legs!!

Yesterday, Tuesday 10th March

well.... what a week. Im not going to talk about it yet- today i just feel like i should appreciate the small things, the babies i have to hold and love.
So i pulled myself together yesterday, and Jai finally got his 'black goldfish' ( but there was no black ones, only orange or brown- so he picked... brown) and thus christened the goldfish Peanut Justice, which is how he says Buford T Justice, the policeman from his FAVORITE move, Smoky and The Bandit... which we have only seen about 1 million times, and Jai can recite large chunks of dialogue. Now theres a talent! We have only had to change the tank twice (since yesterday) because of large amounts of fish food deposited into the water, Jai has NO idea who it was,probably one of the girls...

On another hand entirely, i am so hopeless at this computer stuff (realising as i type this that i sound like my Nana) I would love another template, and a button for the blog. So if anyone could suggest anything?? i have no clue how to use html haha.

Please be warned that my wordless wednesday contains only pictures of LEGS-yep legs, sweet little baby boy legs with babylegs on. and his shoes, which Luka would like to wear constantly...

I am too depressed to blog... goodbye angel baby #4

Sunday 1st March

Here is Lukas current view on all things . However, it is better than him sticking his finger up MY nose. I remember all the kids doing this- just one of those things that (only my) kids do i guess:)

Random picture challenge-OMG on time!!

11th folder or September 2007, 11th picture ...... Jai on the tractor at mum and dads. He has always been obbsessed with cars, he has had one constantly in his hand since his 1st hotwheels at 6 months.Never fails to ride the tractor when he gets the chance!