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Sunday, March 29, 2009

Sunday 29th March,or the tracks of my tears

I have been away for a while, turning on the computer only to check Stellans updates. Last Friday,although i knew it was happening,i miscarried my son. I had been bleeding, but i guess i was just hoping in a tiny corner of my mind. about 15 weeks i knew him, and i wont forget him. But it all seems so unreal, and i feel like a traitor,going on with mundane things,like grocery shopping -and the sight of a baby boy nearly made me bawl- and showering, when my son is gone. and i feel so empty. i have dreamt of him every single night, sometimes the miscarriage over and over, sometimes he is alive and i feed him and cry,and wake up crying. On the surface, im holding it together,the kids have no idea.But in the moments when im alone, or late at night when i feed Luka and then cant sleep, i can feel him in my palm, such a tiny tiny baby boy, my son. And i just hold Luka, looking at his face, remembering,thinking. He is keeping me sane at the moment, he still makes me smile,pure love.


A little piece of 7th heaven said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know there is not much I can say to comfort you but, I am sad (with you) for your loss and my heart hurts (with you) for your loss.
I will pray for you and that God brings you some peace in the midst of your sadness.

{Kimber} said...

girl...I feel so awful...I haven't read this before now...I'm so sorry for your loss...