Sunday 29th March,or the tracks of my tears

I have been away for a while, turning on the computer only to check Stellans updates. Last Friday,although i knew it was happening,i miscarried my son. I had been bleeding, but i guess i was just hoping in a tiny corner of my mind. about 15 weeks i knew him, and i wont forget him. But it all seems so unreal, and i feel like a traitor,going on with mundane things,like grocery shopping -and the sight of a baby boy nearly made me bawl- and showering, when my son is gone. and i feel so empty. i have dreamt of him every single night, sometimes the miscarriage over and over, sometimes he is alive and i feed him and cry,and wake up crying. On the surface, im holding it together,the kids have no idea.But in the moments when im alone, or late at night when i feed Luka and then cant sleep, i can feel him in my palm, such a tiny tiny baby boy, my son. And i just hold Luka, looking at his face, remembering,thinking. He is keeping me sane at the moment, he still makes me smile,pure love.