Monday 30 March

Random picture challenge ,courtesy of 4 little men and girly twins 27th folder or December 2007, 27th picture ... one of my fave pics of Luka, titled Luka Fatface... Still praying for Stellan...

Sunday 29th March,or the tracks of my tears

I have been away for a while, turning on the computer only to check Stellans updates. Last Friday,although i knew it was happening,i miscarried my son. I had been bleeding, but i guess i was just hoping in a tiny corner of my mind. about 15 weeks i knew him, and i wont forget him. But it all seems so unreal, and i feel like a traitor,going on with mundane things,like grocery shopping -and the sight of a baby boy nearly made me bawl- and showering, when my son is gone. and i feel so empty. i have dreamt of him every single night, sometimes the miscarriage over and over, sometimes he is alive and i feed him and cry,and wake up crying. On the surface, im holding it together,the kids have no idea.But in the moments when im alone, or late at night when i feed Luka and then cant sleep, i can feel him in my palm, such a tiny tiny baby boy, my son. And i just hold Luka, looking at his face, remembering,thinking. He is keeping me sane at the moment, he still makes me smile,pure love.

Praying for Stellan

Please pray for Stellan, Mckmama and her family....

Friday 20th March

too too tired for words, more on the weekend. Seeing my mate Sunday,woohoo margaritas all round methinks! Heres Rani,just hanging around

Wordless Wednesday the 18th March

Not Me Monday the 16th march

Not Me Monday courtesy of Mckmama.....

Well, i am not late for a start, by 2 days, i wouldnt do that!Im always on time with everything i do. I did not bribe Spud with $2 of car lollies to behave at the shops, my kids are always perfect. I did not let my almost 12 year old stay home,knowing she wasnt really sick, so she could help with the buddah boy cos i was at deaths door, that would just be irresponsible. I definately did not pay the same 12 year old $5 to pick up dog poo either. And i did not stand at the bedroom window,hiding behind the blinds, so i could scare said dog when he wouldnt stop barking! And this is certainly not a picture of a naked buddah boy,on the kitchen table, preparing to make the apples die an unfortunate death.OH NO!! oh and i did not neglect to give him a haircut cos i just couldnt bear it!

Saturday 14th March -Happy Birthday Dakota Chloe!!!

Dakota Chloe-then and now.
Then- she was a tiny 3kg bundle,in special care, and only slept after they brang her back to her muma where she belonged!Now, she a big 10 year old who is my best sleeper(always has been) Then, she was our 'little sister', now, she is a big sister to 3! Then, Dakota was so quiet, she was the only one that would have a feed,then actually have a big sleep.Now, she is the loudest one of the bunch!

Dakota today you are 10 years old. You have made me so proud,im sure the school will run out of merit certificates now you have arrived (try 3 a week!). You still (always) love to sing, which i love ( just not always the song choice) You are the one that wrote my note,the one i have framed on the bench and read on days when i feel crap ( it reads : Dear Mummy, i have loved you all my life ,love from Dakota) . My sweet 2nd born, i hope you have a great day, i love you xxx