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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Dear Bean

My dearest baby bean,

We have waited for you for so long. So many people have thought of you, and prayed for you. Now you are here, I feel beyond blessed. Today, you are 1 week old. Happy 1 week birthday my angel.

I never thought I would know the meaning of things like

Nasal gastric tube

bolous feeds

what your bpm and sr should be

what your ‘stats’ should be

what your bilirubin level is

your ‘gestational age’ in reference with your ‘lb age’

this is killing me. seriously. I am beyond tired, weepy and crying all day. Seeing you is so wonderful, I never thought I could just sit, and watch someone , for hours. Never thought taking your temperature, changing your  foot probe, changing nappies  and feeding you with a syringe down your NGT would make me so happy. Never thought I would be so very excited that you were weighed.

(she is now 3.9 pounds, down from 4.4 pounds. They have upped her feeds and today she started pentavite along with the caffeine she gets daily at 12pm)

But this is killing me. Leaving you, I always cry on the way home. I know I am not getting enough sleep, but there is no way around it. And tonight, with your Daddy back at work, I feel as though I am abandoning you.

Today, I held you for almost 45 minutes. You opened your eyes, those big blue eyes. You are so adorable, and placid, I cold hold you all day.

We should be reaching milestones now, your first smile, your first longer than 20 minute sleep. Instead your milestones are measured by increases in your feeds, the turning off of the blue lights, and weather or not your alarms are going off.

This is killing me. My milk now ‘lets down’ at the exact time of your feeds, even at home. The breastpump is a cold substitute.

You are 35 weeks on Saturday. Maybe, just maybe, I will be allowed to try and feed you. Last night, you tried to eat your hand as it brushed past your mouth. I was thrilled!

Bean, I want you to grow,eat,get fat. I want to bath you and dress you and photograph you. But mostly I want to hold you. To sing to you, to dance with you, to sleep with you beside me. Hurry up, beanie. I miss you.

love , Mummy.

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