Excuses,excuses….

Im still here. With more excuses as to why I havent been here… Still preggers. 16weeks and 1 day to be exact. Still bleeding. And when I say bleeding, I mean literally pouring blood sometimes… I so want to be happy, excited, blogging about the bean every day, but just cannot relax. Aaaah bean,  I want you so badly, must you scare me this much?? And i think because I lost my last baby at about this stage, I am walking on eggshells even more so. 

 

((and so far my least   fave comment when announcing my pregnancy??? “Oh No” Its comments like that that make me so ANGRY /DEPRESSED. WHY would you say that????))

Anyway, Im starting over.. the amount of blogs I have to catch up on is overwhelming, and at the moment i just want to curl up with my babies not answer the phone, or even turn the computer on. Which in turn, makes me feel guilty. So ill just start from today… and please know that all of you mean so much to me, your comments and prayers, i guess i feel like ill be jinxing the bean if I talk about him/her.

I have another ultrasound next week, I have been to the doctor, who assured me that the bleeding cant hurt the bean, but how can I be excited about being pregnant when Im still constantly buying pads?

Kimber, i miss you, and will email you later ..  I am an awful awful other side of the world friend, i am so self involved/bean involved at the moment, but I am thinking of you often. xxx

In other, non-bean/ depressed me news, the boys and I just got back from Darwin, a visit to Jais beloved godfather, and my gorgeous mate, Jacob.. I needed the break, and have many photos to blog later. And only spent 80% of the time bleeding, and only 1 night crying ( thanks for listening Jake) …

So there it is, more excuses. If you are a new follower, please introduce yourself (again) and ill follow you too, and my old faithful followers, i hope you can understand.. I truly was dreaming about getting pregnant and blogging it all, but its not the final, dream, trouble free pregnancy I envisioned.

Meet the bean- yay!!!

Still feeling fantastically, superly (yes spell check I realise that's not a word) happy. The kids,after a few questions

Cara : “ So now do we get a new car?”

Dakota  : “ What???”

Rani : “who are we having a baby by?” ( I think she was hoping our sausage dog was having puppies)

are very  excited.

I have just started reading all those blogs I have missed- theres only about 4000,so if I am slow to comment, please be patient:)

Hubby is officially  on night shift- 4pm until 2am, 4 days a week, which we are slowly adjusting to. I am still tired, but the kids are being great, so we will manage.

Even though its winter, Fatboy looked  like this

 

most of the day.

And I look like this

my belly stretches out quick, i just look chubby though!

And here is my bean….

So very happy to be writing this post. So happy.

Thursday

Blessed : divinely or supremely favoured; fortunate

Gratitude : the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful

 

I wanted to wait until I was sure, the bleeding, which had stopped,started again 2 days ago. So I finally forced myself to go for an ultrasound.

He smoothes the gel on my belly, and says the sweetest words I have heard in a long time

“Theres bub, squirming around”

And I say, “You mean its alive???”

And he says “yes, absolutely”

And i put my hands over my face and cry uncontrollably.

 

Gratitude does not begin to express what I feel for you all. Your comments, and prayers and hugs were so appreciated, so so so so much, and I guess the (5cm ,11week,4 day old) bean sensed how very much it was loved already. I will never be able to tell you all how very very grateful and appreciative I was/am to have your support.

The bleeding continues, I have a peri-sac haematoma which we will be keeping an eye on, but I am still throwing up every day, (which is a good sign) believe it or not, the last 3 mornings I have woken up at 3:48am (same time everyday)to be sick! And Ive never been more thrilled to be sick!

Im writing this at 8pm, exhausted, Ive been on a high all day, beaming insanely for no reason:) Im about to go to bed, and am so looking forward to reading all the blogs I have been missing! So watch out for overload of comments! (and maybe even a belly pic tomorrow? )

Thankyou all so much , I could say thankyou for eternity and it still would not express my gratitude. xxx

wednesday

today is the last day I am 28. It is my birthday tomorrow. i only want 1 thing.

 

i have made another doctors appointment for friday.

thankyou for your thoughts/prayers and messages. love you all

floating in time

thats how i feel. I had an ultrasound appointment, which i cowardly cancelled. I cant bear to hear them say there is no heartbeat. again. hoping against hope, and loving you all for your thoughts and prayers… i dont want to do this again..

please pray, its happening again. I dont want to lose this baby!

I am still here-wish I had a laptop!

Cos then I could type from my comatose position on the lounge. I go from, bed, bath, lounge, bath, lounge,bath,bed.(with many toilet stops to hurl) So although I miss you all HEAPS, blogging is hard at the moment. Hoping you all bear with me, i am missing your blogs HEAPS too!

Still very depressed re Sonny. Poor thing, waiting to hear from my uncle,hes a photographer, hopefully can replace screen for me.

This is too short, and although Ive written my tim tams post, its slightly delayed due to the fact I know I cant/wont post them:(

Help me- any tips for all day sickness, wet rag run over by a truck exhaustion,inability to stay awake past 6pm? It was so like this with the boys- for 9 months! Still, I have never been so thrilled to feel so awful!

Hoping ill be back soon…. I have a doctors appointment this week:)