A twist on Not Me Monday, courtesy of MckMama…
That is NOT MY KID taking photos of herself on her mobile with too much eyeliner.
Well, Cara is not almost a teenager- cos that would make me,um, never mind… She does not hate me mentioning anything to do with puberty or even SAYING the word puberty. She did not join facebook when she was at a sleepover, and when I found out she did not have to add me (yep,dorky old mum) as a friend so I can check on her! She did not dump her ‘boyfriend’ like this
Boy: Hi, Cara?
Cara: Oh, hi, youre dumped.
She did not tell me it was because he had been texting her friend, and I did not have to stifle a giggle. She is not giving me grey hair…
That is NOT MY KID groaning and crying on the floor because they dont want to feed the dogs
Dakota (I have to tell you this because it was the worst not my kid moment but apologies in advance) did not once, at the age of 5, proclaim in the middle of CHRISTMAS DINNER WITH ALL MY FAMILY “My mum and Dad had sex last night” ( I swear to you it was not true!!!) I was not mortified! Dakota does not do this awful noise whenever I ask her to do something lately. It does not kinda go like “Urrrrrgggghhhhh” It is not extremely irritating!
She did not make a “Fairy House” with Rani to attract / trap fairies (despite not actually believing in fairies) and she did not write a tiny note to my mum that said
“Dear Karen, this is the fairy queen. We cant make it so can you remove the food and note from Ranis fairy house she made”
so Rani would think the fairies had been.
I did not think it was so sweet!
That is NOT MY KID sitting sulking outside in the driveway because her older sisters are at sleepovers
Rani did not get yelled at all weekend. She does not constantly torment and provoke her brothers and sisters then cry so they get in trouble. She does not hate having her hair brushed/combed and did not spend the entire school holidays with bed hair and when school went back she did not scream like a banshee when the knots were combed out.
She does not stay up late insisting “Im not tired!” and does not have to be physically dragged, kicking and screaming ,out of bed for school. She does not have a favourite pair of shorts that she wears constantly, washed or not. She was not angry at me last night (bedtime again)and did not write me a note that said
You used to be nice and now your mean. Im stealing your slippers.From Rani.
That is NOT MY KID you see chucking a tantrum in the Hotwheels aisle despite owning about 1 million cars already.
Jai did not claim the toddler bed that I had intended for Fatboy. He did not dress up as Hulk last week and did not insist “You play Hulk too mummy” We did not play Hulk all day complete with jumping, throwing and roaring.
He is not at that stage where he points out (this is so not a list of things he actually HAS pointed out at various shops) any sort of prosthetic, bald people, chubby people, pimply people etc. I am not constantly hissing “Be quiet Jai!” He did not once say at the grocery shop checkout “ Look at that lady's huge muscles” which were in fact,not muscles but rather large “bingo arms”
He did not wear the same clothes for 2 almost 3 days ( I would NEVER let my kid do that) because he has developed a bath aversion. I did not finally hold him down and strip him off and put him in the bath. He did not then refuse to get out.
He would not play the ps2 24 hours a day if I let him.
That is NOT MY KID you see screaming in terror because a strange man with a beard smiled at him
Fatboy is not obsessed with “My 1st Baby Animal Book” He does not insist on reading it 600 times a day and does not call all the animals ‘cow’ or ‘quack-quack’
He did not come up to me this morning and say “Yuck. Bumped” which does not apparently mean “grab a peg and a nappy, I reek” He did not proceed to grab the nappy and smear the contents on himself,the floor, the door and assorted clothing. He did not think it was soooo funny!
He has not developed this ear piercing screech that he does whenever he doesnt get his own way.
He does not sit on my lap and grope down my shirt saying “tittie” He does not try and force me to go to bed so I can feed him. He does not scream “NONONONO” if I try and give him a bottle.
He does not love his babylegs as much as mummy does and does not say “Woohooo” whenever he gets dressed:)
(Seriously, I could go on and on haha but it already makes us sound pretty messed up!)