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Sunday, May 15, 2011

Dear Bean

*here is your waaaay overdue birthday post my love*

When i first realised you were there,snug inside me

I knew there was something truly special about the baby we had conceived.

You began to help us heal and grieve for Zoran.

I thanked God for you.

At 12 weeks

I thought we had lost you.

I didnt know if we would even get to meet you

I asked for help. I asked for people to pray.

People prayed for you.

For you.

Beautiful strangers showed us more kindness and love than I had ever known.

We, they, prayed for you.

That first ultrasound,me dying inside

fearing the unbearable news,

‘Theres bub,squirming  around’

hot tears of joy.

you were proving you were a survivor, a fighter, amazing.

I dared to hope

you were hanging on

I thought the worst was over.

At Christmas time,  

7 months pregnant

I used to lay in bed and stroke you through my skin.

I woke up before dawn every morning and lay in the bath with you, in the dark, the moon shining in the window, bathing you in light, the whole house silent, and felt like we were the only two awake in the world.

I got your baby clothes out of your drawers and pressed them to my nose almost everyday.

I wished we could share those moments forever.

33weeks 4 days

  you decided you couldnt wait.

on the 20th of january

at 3:57am

I woke up (thinking i had peed myself again)

I waddled to the toilet

cradling you with one hand

you oddly quiet

I looked down and saw blood. Lots and lots of blood,

I decided to drive myself to the hospital, made it as far as the Crossroads, and my waters broke.

I came home and called an ambulance.

I spent my first ever ambulance ride terrified I would lose you.


you were fine

fine all day


while i lay

hooked up



(I crunched those ice cubes in defiance of the nurse telling me to suck them)

you were fine


daddy went home

then we almost lost you

your heartrate dropped


You were drowning in blood.

I still cant think about it. alarms,rushing,yelling,so many people running pushing us down to the OR, me pleading ‘please hurry’ while screaming in agony.

Morphine, out.

you were delivered by caesarean at 8:26pm. You had to be resuscitated. Twice.

On the 20th of January 2010

(no idea what time it was,sometime before midnight)

they wheeled me to your humidicrib in SCN ( I couldnt keep my eyes open, but i remember you had on a tiny purple beanie.)

you had  arrived

weighing a tiny 4 pounds 4 ounces (2.03kgs).

It was 12 hours before I saw you again.

Walking through the SCN doors,

I was led to your humidicrib,

too scared to open the ‘portholes’

I sat and stared at you

and whispered

“Hello Bean.”

Eden Elizabeth


completed our lives

taught us how to be strong, and positive

taught us some people truly are beautiful

taught us there is beauty in each and every day

showed us how blessed we are

showed us how much we were loved

showed us how much we were capable of

when I met you for the first time I knew you were amazing.

I knew you would change our lives.

Happy Birthday Eden Elizabeth.


I carried you then

ill carry you as long as you let me


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